Today is my 7 year food sobriety anniversary. 7 years of choosing to say no to the foods God asked me to surrender. For those new here that means 2555 days without sugar, sweeteners or flour. I have always said “it’s not about the weight loss” and while that still is 1000% true - that statement is something I have had to confront a lot this last year.
Because the truth is, I do care about the number I see on the scale and how my clothes fit. I do care about what I see when I look in the mirror. Frustrated when I overeat (even though that looks NOTHING like it did before). Getting down on myself for not living up to my own expectations (and hopes).
For some people in recovery - being part of 12 step and living with the same very firm and narrow boundaries they needed to get sober is the lifestyle they choose for staying sober. I know many in the food addiction world who do. I am forever grateful for the Full of Faith community that was my saving grace. Finding people who understood my relationship with food and lived full, enjoyable lives without sugar was critical in my process. And living a life honoring and pleasing to the Lord is deeply individual, personal and relational thing. It isn’t a list of rules, do’s and don’ts just for the sake of managing our behavior. So for me, even my food addiction process has to be surrendered.
This past year has found me doing some deep internal work. And part of that is learning to embrace fun (maybe not what you were expecting…neither was I haha). Which apparently has found its way into my food journey too. Because fun in food used to mean overindulgence and what amounts to gluttony. I know 2 ends of that spectrum - very boundaried and zero boundaries. I have felt nudging of the Holy Spirit this year -
What would it look like to understand grace & love
in the permission as well as the limits?
Not grace as license to indulge or redefine the non-negotiables. But understanding that as I endeavor in obedience and to steward my food choices in a way that honors God - there is understanding and love for my humanity and the ebbs and flows of my needs.
I have not relapsed. I have not intentionally eaten food with my non-negotiables. Have I loosened the boundaries around weighing, measuring, snacking, eating fried foods? Yes. And I’m learning to accept God’s love in that, not seeing it as me “fudging” but as my Heavenly Father (who gave me the boundaries in the first place) saying:
"I’m doing a new thing - you can have the freedom because you know how to use it appropriately and you need it in this season"
That is really hard for me to accept. To not see it as failure or finding a loophole. But to believe that it’s possible the lesson isn’t static.
For so long the theme/testimony my food journey was surrender and letting God have authority in EVERY area of your life. And yes - that is still a life transformational truth that brings freedom that I desperately want everyone to experience. But that’s apparently not the only truth He wants to teach me through how I see food and my body. Go figure ;)
2017 Matina needed to embrace surrender. To allow God into an area I had firmly told him to not touch (unless he was going to magically keep me from gaining weight despite my massive consumption of sweets.. right haha). But is it possible as our relationship develops there is a new points of friction - different areas to be refined? And here in lies the next iteration of this journey.
It’s not about the weight loss. It’s about me. The internal state of my heart and soul. And rather seeing the weight gain as a natural consequence of my rebellion, it is a reminder that God loves me and while He has given me boundaries - He also works things for my good which can mean a redefinition of those boundaries. Because He also knows that I am not the same Matina as the one who started this journey on May 8, 2017. And the Matina of May 8, 2024 is ready for more.
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