Not Knowing

367 days ago I drove my last trip to the airport in an Annie Wright Schools bus. Turning off the lights in the dorms signifying more than just the end of a school year but the end of a beautiful season of life. Having very little clue of what was ahead- one major trip on my calendar, open hands and a heart excited but also a bit apprehensive.

9 countries, 7 states (a few more than once) and about a million experiences later and I am rocked. Still a little shocked at some of the things I have said yes to along the way. Like who is this version of Matina? Overwhelmed by the love and faithfulness of God. Deeply grateful for community- people I have known forever and all the new ones I have met this year. Much of this year has been an undoing. Becoming aware of how deeply things like achievement, competence and having answers make me feel grounded and safe.

Yes, what I have posted and shared absolutely is what this year of Jubilee has been. Life changing adventure. Beautiful places. Delicious food. And it has been so much more - it's hard to capture what is happening internally in a photo. One of the biggest (and most recent) learnings has been about my relationship with the phrase “I don’t know”. The most common question I am asked is “what’s next?” Sometimes referring to the actual next season and most of the time to where in the big wide world I will find myself next. And to be honest, 99% of the time the answer to that is I don’t know.

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God has been dismantling the planner in me and increasing my risk tolerance because HE is my safety net

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To not overly plan or prepare or consider. Wait, wait, wait then GO. And it has been wildly unnerving. Some because I do find security in seeing the road ahead but recently I’ve discovered it’s because of what I believe about not knowing.

“I don’t know” feels fraught with pressure. Like somehow I’m SUPPOSED to know and not having an answer reveals some deficit in me. It feels like expectation. Like we can’t just sit in what is but have to be pressing on to what’s next. Which is laughable as I write this because one of my college roommates commented freshman year that “you see everything as a stepping stone” and it was hard for me to just be. I see now how much I have grown in the last 18 years because the most peaceful times are when I am simply existing in the presence of God. No agenda. Nothing to do. Letting his love and supremacy envelop the room. I never have to have the answers there.

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What if “I don’t know” could be sensed with wonder? With the air of curiosity and excitement. To be able to invite people into the discovery.

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Rather than feeling the need to have an answer and immediately my internal system going into hyperdrive to figure it out, I could retain the restful, curious posture and respond with “God hasn’t shown me yet but I can’t wait to see what it is when He does”. Because if I really believe in a life led by Jesus, then the fact that I don’t know isn’t on me. I mean, sometimes it is because the Holy Spirit is giving guidance that I’m ignoring. Or I have allowed (dare I say invited?) too many voices to the table and I end up unable to discern the one true voice I need to hear. But if our hearts are abiding in Jesus and we say your will and ways, not ours - then we must also submit to the truth that not knowing is by design.

Oh how I long for that to settle in my heart as good. That me not yet knowing is not a withholding as a consequence or because I haven’t yet proven worthy of it. But it’s love and wisdom and goodness. That the gift of being daughter is that I don’t have to be the planner or the one to figure it all out. I just wait, wait, wait and then GO. Because the path laid before me will have all that I need. And because my Father is walking it with me.

So while I do know some of what the road ahead looks like (stay tuned on that- it's exciting, I promise), I have a strong suspicion that this year was training ground for a rhythm of waiting and going. Much less planning and preparation than I am used to or comfortable with. But also so much more fulfilling because its steps are ordered by the Creator of the universe rather than Matina led. And while I do think I’m pretty great, I am well aware of my less than divine nature.

My prayer for us is that we lean into the “I don’t know” as an invitation to live in wonder, enjoying the wait as much as the go.