Self-Imposed Wilderness

"This is a lonely time because you are feeling something you can't explain - even to God" (Pete Greig in Red Moon Rising). Wait, rewind the audiobook and let me listen again. As Pete describes this experience of the Holy Spirit troubling or disturbing your soul, I was taken aback. He continues "faced with this self imposed wilderness, the part of my brain that is very strategic and likes to plan and see goals achieved started to think... but God had other plans and, more importantly, lessons he wanted to teach me about dependency on him." I pressed pause on the audio and let myself breathe. Suddenly there it was - in a

couple of sentences - a sentiment that had been taking root over this entire last year.

I had been attempting, quite unsuccessfully, to put language to a deeply internal experience. Sure, I have shared what I'm learning, what is being shaped in me, what I'm wrestling with - the length of the audio texts I have sent over this year would not lead you to believe I am lacking for words (sorry friends). However, in spite of all the things I have articulated, there has been a shifting - a profound aloneness - that has been a near constant companion. It felt like everything I had known was being moved around and the crazy thing is - I chose this. A self-imposed wilderness is a whole other kind of disorienting. I had mistakenly assumed it would not feel as disorienting because I chose it. Because I willingly entered in from a place of relative health and stability.

What I had forgotten is regardless of the path that leads you to the wilderness, that habitat is the same:

Wilderness: a) an area essentially undisturbed by human activity b) an empty or pathless area c) a part of a garden devoted to wild growth

At any given moment this last year, I have felt one aspect of this definition or another. One moment communing with God in a way that was utterly undisturbed by human activity - just the two of us. Then emptiness. Unsure of where to go, seeing no specific path and yet every path available because it was up to me to forge. Finding previously uninhabited parts of myself and of what it means to be a follower of Jesus. Discovering new places to cultivate. And then the wild growth. Oh my goodness. It has been warp-speed which is where the loneliness has existed most acutely. The rate of growth has meant a disturbance to all of my normal ways of being. Which I thought I was ok with, in fact, I knew that most of my rhythms would be disrupted, I mean that's what happens when you leave your home and your job and you end up living out of a suitcase for 226/365 days.

What I was wholly unprepared for was the disruption to

my relationship with God

Just like any relationship, I have cultivated a particular way of being and doing with Him. From the practice of spiritual disciplines, to the way I talk to Him, to the way I experience His presence and His leading. I experience a deep level of closeness with God and this is something I have been intentional with over the last decade of my life. Even when life get shaky, there is a dependability of our communication that I rely on. I did not consider how our way of communicating might need to change. It was the emptiness that hit me- what pathless actually felt like.

It's one thing to not be able to articulate to your people what God is doing, but to not be able to do that with God himself - that is a profoundly alone feeling. And yet it is such a necessary part of the process. Because feeling alone is not the same as being alone. As much as I felt the disconnect, I never once felt truly abandoned by God. Sure, I felt like he had gone silent for a bit but not in a "silent treatment" sense. More like a parent who KNOWS their kid needs to work something out and intentionally chooses not to insert themselves while staying nearby. Proximity brings security.

A friend pointed out that when it's self imposed, there's a point in which you can choose to leave. You see enough of the path that you walked into it that you could turn around and walk right back out. Unfortunately, I worry that too often that's what happens. We give God our yes, get excited about being all in and then hit the disorientation of the wilderness.

Maybe you, like me, are confused by what you're facing. You expected something different. It is a lot more unknown, risky and lonely than you wanted. It's quite desolate. You're questioning what you signed up for. And honestly, wanting to turn around and walk right back out. Thanks but no thanks God.

There is something that happens in the wildnerness that can happen in no other environment. It looks different for each of us but whatever it is that God is doing in you through the wilderness- is 100% worth staying the course.

So can I encourage you - please pause. Even if you just have to stand for a minute in the wildnerness looking longingly at the road that will take you back to the known. Even if you're not ready to take a step forward. If you're feeling like I was- confused and maybe even a little annoyed at God because it's not going how you anticipated - I'm here to tell you what I wish I had heard when I started this year. That is normal.

You cannot control the ways of the wilderness. And if you stay in it, there are wonders to behold.